A few months back, I read an article in our local newspaper that caused me to pause and ask a lot of questions. Its’ message has been haphazardly rolling around in my heart and mind ever since. The article described the work and mission of an area group called “Mercy for America’s Children”, MAC. The article, in full here, states “one of the nonprofit’s focuses is to hold match events to help prospective families spend time with children who need homes”. These children are older foster children. Kids who have experienced neglect or abuse, often been moved from place to place and have lived through traumatic and painful experiences. They are vulnerable.
As I read about the match events involving activities such as water skiing and martial arts where prospective adoptive parents come and hang out with the kids as they consider adoption, I tried to put myself in the place of a child in the midst of such an event. Would it generate a hope deep in my heart that I might be chosen on this day or some other? Would I figure out what this event was all about and turn on all my charm? Would I be angry and resentful thinking that others would be chosen over me? Would I have had so many hopes dashed before that I would be afraid to hope? Maybe it would just seem like a fun day doing something different. In my mind I flashed back to the day when our family visited the orphanage where one of our daughters spent almost 2 years. As we looked into the faces of older children still there I wondered what was this visit doing to their vulnerable hearts and dreams?
Another quote from the article, from a mom who had herself adopted older foster children, said this:, “You hear so many myths and misconceptions about kids in foster care, but they are just kids that need love.” As an adoptive parent, I know that this is a tremendous oversimplification. To sugar coat and deny the very real pain and needs that a foster child may have does a disservice to both the prospective parents and the children themselves. As with all children, there are complex needs and responsibilities in raising them. For a child with known trauma, the “all they need is love” approach just won’t hold up. The journey most likely will require a great deal of resources and flexibility to meet whatever needs and challenges arise. To check my thoughts, I asked a very gentle and compassionate friend who was in the midst of fostering older children to read the article and give me her thoughts – her response was, “it just can’t be that simple”.
So, on one hand, I am glad there are groups like MAC who are committed to helping older foster children to find permanent homes – they deserve no less. With 30,000 aging out of foster care each year without a family, it is a national crisis. Yet I also hope that the adults involved are considering the perspective of the child and their dignity as they go about such sacred work. This particular article seems too simplistic- more of a “test driving a car” mentality than the very serious lifetime commitment to a hurting child. Children’s very lives and souls are at stake. I hope that we as the grown ups are mindful of the impact of our actions on vulnerable children. If you have any thoughts, experiences or perspective on this subject, I would love to hear from you. Healthy dialogue is a step in the pursuit of doing what is best for vulnerable children in our midst.